Funny jokes

SANTA SINGH & BLONDE

Santa Singh gets a ride from a blonde from Toronto to Mississauga.

Santa Singh: `What is the name of your car?’

Blonde: `I forgot the name, but it starts with T.’

Santa Singh: `It is the first time I have heard that a car starts with tea. All cars start with gas.’

______________

Husband in kitchen

A woman returns home from office. She goes to the kitchen and

finds her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

Wife: What are you doing here?

Husband: Killing flies.

Wife: Have you killed any so far?

Husband: Killed seven – 3 males and 4 females.

Intrigued by his answer, the wife asks: How do you know the sex of the flies you killed?

Husband: Becasue 3 were on the beer can and 4 were on the phone.

____________________

बीवी और सास

एक  बंदा अपने ससुराल में  गुरुजी का प्रवचन सुनने गया !

गुरुजी बोले: “जो-जो स्वर्ग जाना चाहता है, वह अपना हाथ ऊपर करे !”

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पाकिस्‍तान का बाप

एक पंडितजी ने अपने बच्चे का नाम पाकिस्‍तान रखा
तो सभी हैरान हुयेI

दोस्‍तों ने पूछा कि आप तो बड़े देशभक्‍त कहलाते थे अपने
को और बेटे का नाम रखा पाकिस्‍तानI

पंडितजी बोले: देशभक्‍त हूं तभी यह नाम रखा हैI

दोस्‍तों ने पूछा : यह कैसे?

पंडितजी बोले: ताकि पाकिस्‍तान को पता चल जाये
कि हिन्‍दुस्‍तान में ऊसका बाप बैठा हैI

____________

दो साधु

दो व्‍यकित ऐक साथ साधु बनेI

और वो ऐक साथ ही गावों में जाते

मांगने के लिऐI

ऐक दिन किसी ने उनसे पूछा के

आप इकट्ठा क्‍यें मांगने आते हो?

तो साधु बोले: हम साधु बनने से पहले साढ़ू थे!

___________________

BLONDE PLANS LONDON TRIP

A Toronto blonde plans a summer trip to London.

She rings up an airline and asks, “How long are your flights from Toronto to London?”

The woman on the other end of the phone says, “Just a minute…”

The blonde says, “Thanks!” and hangs up the phone.

_____________

BLONDE JOKE

One day, a blonde got fed up with blonde jokes. She rushed home and decided to hang herself.

She took a rope, locked the bathroom door and told her husband loudly, “I am sick of blonde jokes. I am going to hang myself.”

The husband rushed, broke open the bathroom door and saw the blonde with the rope tied around her ankle.

The husband said, “You said you are going to hang yourself.”

The blonde said, “Yeah, I am.”

The husband said, “But you have the rope tied around your ankle.’’

The blonde said, “I tried the rope around my neck but I couldn’t breathe properly.”

__________________

पप्पू और मच्छर

पप्पू को रात में सोते समय एक मच्छर ने काट लिया तो 
पप्पू गुस्से में रात भर मच्छर के पीछे चप्पल लेकर भागता रहा, 
लेकिन मार नहीं पाया।

ऐसे करते करते सुबह हो गयी.

तो 
पप्पू
 बोला: `चलो इसे मार तो नहीं पाया, 
लेकिन इस बात की खुशी है कि रात भर मैंने इसे भी सोने नहीं दिया
।’

_____________

पति पत्नी

पत्नी: शादी के पहले आप मुझे कहाँ कहाँ घुमाते थे!
होटल, सिनेमा, आसपास के नजारे और न जाने क्या क्या?

______________________

SANTA SINGH’S DINNER PARTY

Santa Singh moved to England. Slowly his English improved. One day he invited his factory friends for a dinner party.

There was a lot of curd on the table.

Pointing at the curd, his Englishman friend asked Santa what is that?

Santa said, “Milk sleeping during night and morning becoming tight.’’

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चोर पकड़ने की मशीन

चोर पकड़ने की मशीन बनीI
USA में 1 दिन में 9 चोर पकडे गये
CHINA में 30
UK में 50
पाकिस्तान में 80
और
और
भारत में 1 घंटे में मशीन चोरी हो गयी!
बोलो भारत माता की जयI

___________________

पति पत्नी

पति पत्नी सब्ज़ी मार्केट में गये.

पत्नी इतना भाव मोल और जाँच प्रताल कर रही थी…की पति परेशान हो गया.

पति : `कृपा करके जल्दी ख़रीदो…ऑफ़िस को late हो रहा हु.’

पत्नी : `तुम बीच में मत बोलो, जल्दी जल्दी करके ही तुम जैसा पति मिला हैं मुझे…अब कोई नयी ग़लती नहीं करनी.’

____________________

LONDON-RETURNED SARDARJI

After returning from a foreign trip, Sardarji asked his wife : `Do I look like a foreigner?’

Wife: `No! Why?’

Sardarji: `In London a lady asked me “are you a foreigner?” ‘

______________________________

BACHELOR PARTY

A bachelor with a well-paid job meets a smart girl and falls in love with her. Their wedding date is set six months later.

One day, his boss invites the bachelor for dinner at his place before his marriage.

The boss tells his wife, “Darling, a bachelor colleague of mine is coming for dinner today.’’

The wife gets angry and shouts at her husband, “What is wrong with you? The house is a mess and you invite a colleague for dinner? I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal.’’

The husband said, “OK, OK, cool down. I know all that.’’

The wife said, “If you know all that, why did you invite the friend for dinner?”

The husband replied, “Because the poor fool is about to get married, and I wanted to show him the trailer.’’

_____________________

गधे की शादी

गधा: मेरा मालीक मुझे  बहुत पीटता है
।

कुत्ता: तुम भाग क्यो नही जाते
।

गधा: मालिक की खुबसुरत लडकी जब पढाई नही करती तो मालिक कहता हैं के “तेरी शादी गधे से कर दुंगा”
।
बस इसी उम्मीद से टीका हुं
।

_________________

पति पत्‍नी मारपीट

पति पत्‍नी दोनो काफी देर से
एक दूसरे को गाळी दे रहे थे,
चिल्‍ळा रहे थे।
पड़ोसी ने जा के समझया कि
शरीर के घाव भर जाते हैं
मगर शब्‍दों के घाव कभी नही
भरते।
तब जा कर कहीं मारपीट शुरू हुई।

___________________________

Stupid boyfriend

A girlfriend left a note on the fridge which read:

“It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my mom.”

The boyfriend returns home, reads the note and opens the fridge.

The light is on.

The beer is cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

_________________________________

संता की सगाई

संता ने अपनी सगाई तोड़ दी क्योंकि लड़की कुंवारी थी।
पूछने पर संता बोला: जो आजतक किसी की न हुई वह मेरी ‍क्या होगी।

___________________________________________________________________

BEST JOB

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”

“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”

___________

COST OF MARRIAGE

Little son: “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

Dad: “I don’t know son, I’m still paying!”

___________

 

___________________________________________

___________________________________

Too funny

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Punjabi vs Bengali

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Smart+stupid= Pregnant

Single vs Committed 

 

(Courtesy Facebook)

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WIFE vs HUSBAND

Marriage is a workshop

where husband works &

wife always shops.

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WIFE IS THE BOSS

 

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दादा और दादी की जवानी

एक दादा और एक दादी ने अपनी जवानी के दिनों को ताज़ा और re-live करने की सोची.

उन्होन्ने प्लान किया कि वो एक बार शादी से पहले के दिनों की तरह छुप कर नदी किनारे मिलेंगे.

 

 

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DIGITAL INDIA

बाप : बेटे ज़रा computer का पासवर्ड बताना!
बेटा : मैं ड़ाल देता हूँ पिताजी।

बाप : बाप हूँ तेरा, बता।
बेटा : मैं डाल देता हूँ ना,
आप से कुछ गलती हो जायेगी।

बाप : अनपढ़ नहीं हूँ बोल!
बेटा : फिर भी मैं ड़ाल देता हूँ ना पिताजी।

बाप : बोल।
बेटा : Papakisetting@flat306

बाप ने जूता फटने तक मारा…

—————————–

GOOGLE vs YAHOO

Santa: “Which is better? Google or Yahoo?”

Banta:  “Oh wait. Let me first search it on
Google…”

———————–

HELLO DARLING

Woman buys a new Sim card, puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is sitting in the living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: “Hello Darling.”

The husband responds in a low tone: “Honey,  let me call you back later because the stupid woman is in the kitchen.”

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WOMEN DRIVERS

Q: Why can’t women drive well?

A: Because there are so many mirrors in car to distract them.

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BUSINESSMEN & WIVES

An airline introduced a special package for business men. The package said: `Buy your ticket, get your wife’s ticket free.’

Lots of businessmen bought tickets.

After the great success of the trip, the company sent letters to the wives asking them how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply: `What trip?’

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आज का रावण

रावण के सर- 10
आँखे: 20
नज़र सिर्फ एक पर: सीता

QUEEN OF DEVILS

Santa: All girls are devils.

Banta: So why are you excited?

Santa: Because my wife is the queen of them.

———————

Pakistani missile

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NEIGHBOUR’S WIFE

A man goes to police to report that his neighbour’s wife has been missing for some time.

VAN HEUSEN IN INDIA

Indians are pretty smart in nativizing foreign names. So Van Heusen shirts become Van Hussain in Uttar Pradesh, and Bhanu Sen in Bengal.

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WIFE’S BIRTHDAY

With his wife’s birthday coming at the weekend, a husband is worried about the choice of his gift.

He asks his wife: `Darling, what would you like for your birthday?’

Wife: `I don’t care as long as it has automatic transmission.’

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पति-पत्नी

पति बहुत देर से वह बोर्ड गौर से देख रहा था ।

बोर्ड पर सुंदर लड़की का मिक्सर ग्राइंडर के साथ फोटो था ।

यह देखकर पत्नी बड़ी ही नम्रतापूर्वक बोली, “घर चलिए…
एक्सचेंज ऑफर सिर्फ मिक्सर पर है।”

—————————–

WOMEN & PHONES

Women are like telephones.

They love to be held.

They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you’re disconnected.

———————————

ALI’s CHILDREN

अली के तीन बच्चे हुए.

अली ने नाम रखा: हसरत अली, बरकत अली, हरकत अली.

कुछ दिनों बाद 2 बच्चे और हुए.

तो बीवी ने नाम रखे: बस-कर-अली,  रहम-कर-अली.

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HUSBAND & WIFE

Wife: I love you.

Husband: I love you, too.

Wife: Prove it, scream it to the WORLD.

Husband: Scream it to the WORLD?

Wife: Yes, scream it to the world.

Husband: (whispers into her ear) I love you.

Wife: Why the hell did you whisper in my ear?

Husband: Because you are my WORLD.

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कोर्ट रूम

जज:  आर्डर-आर्डर

सोनिया गांधी:  मई इंदिरा की भउ हूँ, मई किसी से नई डरटी!

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WIFE & BISHOP

A husband comes home from church.

He greets his wife and lifts her up. He then carries her around the house.

The wife is surprised and she asks him: `Did the bishop preach you about being romantic?’’

The husband said, “No, the bishop said we must carry our burdens and sorrows.’’

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GOD & MAN

Ek aadmi के कोई संतान नहीं थी।
उसने खूब मन्नतें मांगी,
नंगे पैर तीर्थ यात्रा पर गया,
भूमि पर सोया,
सारे देवी देवताओं के दर्शन किए,
बहुत दिनों तक उपवास किया, और
अंत में कठिन निर्जला व्रत आरम्भ कर दिया।

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GK QUIZ

A teacher is quizzing his students about their general knowledge.

Teacher: Can you please tell the name of two great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people’s lives?

Student: Smo-king & Drin-king!

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ग़रीब आदमी

एक ग़रीब आदमी बोला:  – ऐसी जिंदगी से तो मौत अच्छी!

अचानक यमदूत आया और बोला: – तुम्हारी जान लेने आया हूँ.

आदमी बोला: – लो अब ग़रीब आदमी मज़ाक भी नही कर सकता?

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SUSPICIOUS HUSBAND

Preeto and Susan are talking about their husbands.

Preeto: My husband is very suspicious. How to stop him from reading my e-mails?

Susan: It’s simple. Just rename the mail folder to `instruction manuals’.

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शादी के बाद हरभजन

शादी के बाद हरभजन के घर का माहोल बहुत धार्मिक होने वाला है ।

गीता 24 घंटे हर भजन करेगी

और

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DEADLY LETTER W

Question: Which is the most dangerous letter?

Answer: W.

Why? Because all the tensions begin with the letter `w’.  And here is the list of the words beginning with `w’ which create  tension: Who. Why. What. When. Which. Whom. Where. War. Wine. Wealth. Worries. And Woman.

Finally, believe it or not  `WIFE’

And the most dangerous question coming from w (wife): `Woh kaun thi (Who was she)?’

———————–

KARVACHAUTH

What is the English movie name for Karvachauth?

‘Fast and Furious’ – One day Fast, 364 days Furious.

 

—————————————

SANTA & HIS CREDIT CARD

Santa Singh lost his credit card. But he didn’t notice it for a few days and came to know about the theft only when he went for shopping in Square One in Mississauga.

After returning home and desperately searching for it, he reported the theft to his bank and the credit card company as he feared the thief might have used all his money.

But when he got a call back from the credit card company, his joy knew no bounds because the thief was spending way less than his wife.

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आज का हिंदी ज्ञान:

Air Hostess = हवाई सुंदरी

Nurse = दवाई सुंदरी

Lady Teacher = पढ़ाई सुँदरी

Maid = सफ़ाई सुँदरी

And wife – लड़ाई सुंदरी

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BLONDE JOKES

Blonde jokes were invented by brunettes because they were jealous of Marilyn Monroe getting to have an affair with President John F. Kennedy.

Hollywood liked these blonde jokes.  Monroe’s “dumb blonde” persona was used to comic effect in subsequent films such as Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, How to Marry a Millionaire and The Seven Year Itch.

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पति पत्नी

पति: “आलू के परांठो में आलू तो नजर नहीं आ रहे हैं”

———————–

अंगूरी भाभी

अंगूरी भाभी: मेरे पति ने मुझे नया मोबाइल खरीद कर
दिया।

विभूति: अरे वाह …कौन सी कंपनी का ?

अंगूरी भाभी:  लावारिस !

विभूति बेहोश होते होते बचा और बोले: अरे भाभी वो लावारिस
नहीं,  Lava Iris hai…

अंगूरी भाभी: सही पकड़े है।

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बीवियों से तारीफ

एक नया शादीशुदा जोड़ा बाग में टहल रहा था।
अचानक एक बड़ा सा कुत्ता उनकी तरफ झपटा, दोनों को
ही लगा कि ये उन्हें काट लेगा।

बचने का कोई रास्ता न देख पति ने तुरंत अपनी
पत्नी को गोद में ऊपर तक उठा लिया ताकि कुत्ता काटे तो
उसे काटे न कि उसकी पत्नी को।

कुत्ता बिलकुल नज़दीक आकर रुका, कुछ देर तो भौंका
और फिर पीछे की तरफ भाग गया।

पति ने चैन की सांस ली और इस
उम्मीद में पत्नी को गोद से उतारा कि
पत्नी उसे गले लगाएगी और प्यारा सा छोटा
सा किस करेगी।

तभी उसकी तमाम उम्मीदों पर
पानी फेरती उसकी
बीवी चिल्लाई: “मैंने आज तक लोगों को कुत्ते को भगाने के लिए पत्थर या डंडा
फेंकते तो देखा था पर ऐसा आदमी पहली बार देख रही हूँ जो कुत्ते को भगाने के लिए
अपनी बीवी को फ़ेंकने को तैयार था।”

शिक्षा: बीवियों से कभी तारीफ की उम्मीद नहीं करनी चाहिए।

———————–

SON & DAD

Son: Dad, I have heard that many men in India don’t know their wife until the man marries her. Is it true?

Dad: That happens in every country, my son.

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ठेका बंद

पिताजी : कहाँ हो बेटे.

पप्पू : हॉस्टल में पढ़ रहा हूँ एग्जाम बहुत नजदीक है इसलिये बहुत पढ़ना पड़ता है। आप कहाँ हो ?

पिताजी: ठेके पे, ..तेरे पीछे लाइन में लास्ट में खड़ा हूँ। एक हाफ मेरा भी ले लेना ठेका बंद होने वाला है.

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INDIAN PASTIME

Foreigner: Which is the most famous pastime in India?

Indian: Arranged marriage.

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छोटा बच्चा

छोटा सा बच्चा मम्मी से खफा था!

बच्चा: पापा आपने मम्मी में क्या देखा
जो उसे पसंद किया?

पापा: बेटा, उसके गाल का छोटा सा प्यारा सा तिल.

बच्चा: ओह्ह्ह! पापा कमाल है…इतनी छोटी सी चीज के लिये इतनी बड़ी मुसीबत मोल ले ली

पापा बेहोश

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प्रिंसिपल  कI जवाब

एक इंजीनियरिंग कॉलेज के सभी शिक्षकों को एक टूर पर ले जाने के लिए एक हवाई जहाज में बैठाया गया!

जब सभी शिक्षक बैठ गए तो पायलट ने बड़ी ही ख़ुशी से घोषणा की- ‘‘आप सभी गणमान्य शिक्षकों को यह जान कर खुशी होगी कि जिस प्लेन में आप बैठे हैं, उसे आप ही के कॉलेज के होनहार विद्यार्थियों ने बनाया है!’’

बस फिर क्या था! इतना सुनते ही सभी शिक्षक इस डर से नीचे उतर गए कि कहीं उड़ान भरते ही विमान दुर्घटना ग्रस्त ना हो जाए! लेकिन प्रिंसिपल साहब बैठे रहे! यह देख पायलट उनके पास गया और उनसे पूछा- सर, सभी टीचर अपने विद्यार्थियों का नाम सुनते ही डर कर उतर गए लेकिन आप क्यों नहीं उतरे? क्या आपको डर नहीं लग रहा है?

प्रिंसिपल ने जवाब दिया – मुझे अपने कॉलेज के शिक्षको से भी ज्यादा अपने विद्यार्थी पर भरोसा है। देख लेना यह प्लेन स्टार्ट ही नहीं होगा..!…

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टीचर स्टूडेंट

टीचर स्टूडेंट से :बताओ सतयुग और कलयुग में क्या अंतर है!

स्टूडेंट: सतयुग में इंद्र के पास 10-12 इन्द्राणी होती थी!

कलयुग में इन्द्राणी के पास 10-12 इंद्र होते है ! बस यही है सबसे बड़ा अंतर

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हरियाणवी

एक बस मे हरियाणवी सफर कर रहा था। तभी साथ वाले मुसाफिर ने बीडी जलाई और धुऑ ताऊ की ओर छोड दिया। ताऊ कुछ नही बोला।

अचानक खिडकी की ओर से आई तेज हवा से बीडी एक चिनगारी निकली और ताऊ की नयी कमीज जल गयी। ताऊ फिर भी कुछ नही बोला।

यह देखकर उस आदमी को शरम आ गयी। उसने सोचा कि ताऊ बहुत शरीफ है। माफी माँगने के अंदाज मे उसने ताऊ से पूछा- किस गाँव के हो ताऊ?

ताऊ बोला- अब गाँव भी फूकेगा के?

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पत्नी: मैं कितनी अच्छी लगती हूँ?

पति: बहुत ही ज्यादा!

पत्नी: कितनी?

पति: इतनी की दिल चाहता है तुम्हारी जैसी 2-3 और ले आऊ.

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BREAKING NEWS!

Ekta Kapoor has bought rights of Indrani Mukherjea’s story for Rs.1,00,00,00,000 for her new 5000-episode serial.

The serial will be called: Kahani Konfusion Ki!

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पंजाबी पत्नी : मैं कहिया सुनदे ओ कल तुहाडे साले दी शादी है, तुसी की पाऊंगे?

पंजाबी पति : दारु पी के कलेश.

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पती और पत्नी

पत्नी: तुमने शादी से पहले क्यू नही
बताया के तुम्हारी रानी नाम की
एक और पत्नी भी है?

पती:  बताया तो था तुम्हे
रानी की तरह रखूँगा

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POLITICAL JOKE

मनमोहन सिंह सब्जी खरीदने गए।

मनमोहन सिंह: भिन्डि क्या भाव है?

सब्जीवाला : अब रुलाएगा क्या? मुफ्त में ले जा, पहली बार आवाज सुनी है तेरी।

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राहुल गांधी सब्जी खरीदने गए|

राहुल गांधी : भिन्डी क्या भाव है?
सब्जी वाला : अब रूलाएगा क्या? मुफ्त मे ले जा| ये भिन्डी नही मटर है

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सोनिया गांधी सब्जी खरीदने गई |

सोनिया : ये बिंदी कितने के है?
सब्जी वाला : अब रूलाएगी क्या ? मुफ्त मे ले जा बस और अगली बार याद रखियों में सब्जी बेचता हूँ सिंगार का सामान नहीं।

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नरेंद्र मोदी सब्ज़ी खरीदने गए।

नरेंद्र मोदी: भिन्डि क्या भाव है?

सब्जीवाला : अब रुलाएगा क्या ? मुफ्त में ले जा, इलेक्शन क बाद पहली बार इंडिया में दिखा है।

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

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BLONDE JOKE

A Toronto blonde and her boyfriend go to a movie.

Blonde: `Can I have two tickets please?’

Clerk at sales counter asks her: `For Romeo and Juliet?

Blonde: `No, for my boyfriend and me.’

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PORN BAN

A girl goes for a job interview in New Delhi on August 3.

Interviewer: What is your name?

Girl: Ima.

Interviewer: But your online application entry says Pornima?

Girl: I had applied before the ban (on porn by the Indian government on Aug 1).

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GIRLS & WIVES

A man once asked God: “Why are all girls so sweet, and why are all wives so horrible?’’

God replied, “Because girls are made by me…and wives by you.’’

God rocks, man shocked.

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BOY vs GIRL

Boy: Bus aur ladki ek jaisi hoti hain,
 ek chali jaati hai aur doosri aa jati hai.

Girl: Rickshe aur ladke ek hee jaise hotai hain,
  ek ko bulao chaar chale aate hain.

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SON & DAD AT CABARET

A boy goes to see a cabaret dance.

When he returns home, his mom is furious with him.

Mom to the boy: “Why did you go to the cabaret?”

Boy: “Ummm…”

Mom: “Did you see anything there, that you were not supposed to see.”

Wife : U had lunch?
Husband : ( in a fun mood ) U had lunch?
Wife : I’m asking u.
Husband : I’m asking u.
Wife : R u copying me ?
Husband : R u copying me ?

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पापा पापा

पापा : बेटा तुम्हारे रिजल्ट का क्या हुआ?
पप्पू : पापा 80% आये हैं।
पापा : पर मार्कशीट पर तो 40%लिखा है?
पप्पू : बाकी आधार कार्ड लिंक होने पर अकाउंट में 40% सब्सिडी में आएंगे।

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शराबे पीने वाले की पत्नी

प्रधानमंत्री नरेंद्र मोदी ने शराब के दाम दुगुने करने का ऐलान

आधा पैसा शराबे पीने वाले की पत्नी के अकाउंट में सब्सिडी के तौर पर दिया जाएगा जिससे दो फायदे होंगे:

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SANTA & HIS SWEETIE

Santa is madly in love with Sweetie.

One day he proposes to her, saying, “My sweatheart Sweetie, I want to marry you. I cannot live without you.”

Sweetie says, “My parents will object because I am two years older than you. So it is not possible.”

Santa is crestfallen for a while.

But then suddenly he jumps up with joy and tells Sweetie, “OK, OK, I have found a solution to our marriage. I will wait for two years till I get older.”

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GETTING MARRIED

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

You order what you want. Then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.

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NEWLY MARRIED

A newly married wife was very fond of sending message after message to her husband.

Her husband said, “Please keep the messages very, very short. It is an sms age.”

The wife said, “OK, darling. I promise to keep my messages very short.”

And the very next minute, she sent this message to her husband: “It was just said on the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I’m worried about you!. Please, give me a ring…”

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WIFE & KISS

A man got his lips burnt. A friend asked “How it happened?”

He replied, “Biwi ko maayke jaanay ke liye Railway Station chhodnay gayaa thaa, Khushi Khushi mein Rail Engine ko choom dala. (I went to the railway station to see off my wife going to her parents. Excited to see her go away, I kissed the hot railway engine).

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हिंदी मुहावरों का सरल भाषा में ज्ञान

1. आ बैल मुझे मार = पत्नी से पंगा लेना।

2. दीवार से सिर फोड़ना = पत्नी को कुछ समझाना।

3. चार दिन की चांदनी फिर अंधेरी रात = पत्नी का मायके से वापस आना।

4. आत्महत्या के लिए उकसाना = शादी की राय देना।

5. दुश्मनी निभाना = दोस्तों की शादी करवाना।

6. खुद का स्वार्थ देखना = शादी ना करना।

7. ओखली में सिर देना = शादी के लिए हां करना।

8. दो पाटों में पिसना = दूसरी शादी करना।

9. खुद को लुटते हुऐ देखना = पत्नी को पर्स से पैसे निकालते हुए देखना।

10. पैरों तले जमीन खिसकना = पत्नी का अचानक साक्षात सामने आना।

11. सिर मुंडाते ही ओले पड़ना = परीक्षा में फेल होते ही शादी हो जाना।

12. शादी के लिए हां करना = स्वेच्छा से जेल जाना।

13. साली आधी घर वाली = वह स्कीम जो दूल्हे को बताई जाती है लेकिन दी नहीं जाती।

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OLDER LADY

Two Indian women boarded a bus and they got into a fight over a seat.

Bus conductor tried to stop their but they won’t.

Then the conductor said:  `The older one can sit…’

The women looked at each other and the seat remained empty.

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कुत्ता और नेता

एक कुत्ता मंदिर के पास चबूतरे पर बैठा रहता था,
मंदिर में लोगों को पूजा करते देख
कुत्ता भी भगवान की भक्ति करने लगा।
भगवान कुत्ते की भक्ति से प्रसन्न हुए और बोले – मांगो तुम्हें क्या चाहिए ?
कुत्ता – प्रभु मुझे अगले जन्म में कुत्ता ही बनाना ।
भगवान – हम तुम्हें दो बार कुत्ता नहीं बना सकते कुछ और मांगो।
कुत्ता – तो प्रभु मुझे अगले जन्म में नेता बना देना।
भगवान – चालाकी नहीं ! कहा ना कि दो बार कुत्ता नहीं बना सकते !

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HAVING TWO WIVES

An economist was forcefully arguing in favour of having two wives for two reasons:

1. Monopoly should be broken.

2. Competition improves the quality of service.

If you have one wife, she will fight with you.

If you have two wives, they will fight for you.

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DC, SP AND A TEACHER

एक बार एक DC, SP और एक Teacher बैठे बातें कर रहे थे।

DC : हम तो इलाके के मालिक होते हैं। जिससे जो मर्ज़ी करवा लें।

SP: हम जिसे चाहे अंदर करके ठोक दें। हमारा भी बड़ा रौब होता है।

Teacher: हमारा तो जी कोई रौब नहीं होता। सारा दिन बच्चों को मुर्गा बना के कूटते हैं। आगे सालों की मर्ज़ी, DC बने या SP.

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HAPPILY MARRIED

How do you express two words, with exactly the opposite meanings, in a single sentence?

Any guesses?

No?

Say: `HAPPILY MARRIED.’

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“मैंने शादी क्यों की ?

A teacher asked his students: `मैंने शादी क्यों की? विषय पर निबंध लिखो.’

The best one-line  answer by a student was this: मति मारी गई थी …

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DOCTOR & PATIENT

A man goes to his doctor who is also a psychiatrist:

Doc: Do you consume alcohol?
Man: No.
Doc: Do you smoke?
Man: No.
Doc: Do you use drugs?
Man: No.
Doc: Do you play cards?
Man: No.
Doc: Do you run after other women?
Man: No.
Doc: So why did you come to me?
Man: I have one little problem – I always lie.

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HUSBAND-WIFE

Wife:- सुनो ये “हेप्पीनेस” की स्पेलींग क्या है?

Husband:- U.N.M.A.R.R.I.E.D

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GIRLFRIENDS & DENIMS

Santa and Banta are talking about their girlfriends.

Santa to Banta: You have had many girlfriends over the years. What do you think they are like?

Banta: Girlfriends are like blue denim jeans.

Santa: Why?

Banta: They are good for a while, they eventually fade and have to be replaced by new ones.

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HUSBAND-WIFE FIGHT

Because of their non-stop fights over trivial matters, a man and his wife decide for a divorce.

They go to court, but they have the problem about their children’s custody.

First, the wife stands up and tells the judge that since she brought the children into this world and then raised them, she must get their custody..

The judge then asks the husband about his stand. He says, “Your Honour, I have a question. When I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

Having made some money, Santa decided to start his own business store. He put a notice outside the store for jobs available in his store.

The notice said that only married men should apply.
A woman came to apply for the job. But when she read the notice, she protested, asking Santa: “Why are you hiring only married men?’’

Santa said, “Because married men are more obedient.”

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MOTHER-IN-LAW

A man and a woman are a newly married couple.

One day man comes back home from work and finds his wife very excited.

He asks her: “Why are you so excited, darling?”

Wife: “I have a great news for you.”

Husband: “What’s that great news?”

Wife: “We will become three very soon.”

Husband: “Oh, my God, I am so, so happy, my darling.”

Wife: “I too am so so happy that my mother is moving in with us very soon.”

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SANTA’S WIFE

Santa is busy in his workshop.

A man rushes to him and says, “Look, your friend is kissing your wife in your home.”

Santa rushes home and comes back within 10 minutes, looking very angry.

He slaps the man and says, “He’s not my friend.”

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BLONDE’S LUNCH

It is lunch time for the blonde boss.

Her assistant asks her if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

Blonde says, “Yes, yes, six please. I could never eat twelve!”

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ANGRY WOMEN

Jeeto and Preeto of Brampton are talking about their mothers on Mother’s Day.

Jeeto:  How nice if only women ruled the world. Because women are tender and kindhearted, so there won’t be any wars in the world.

Preeto: Yeah, true. But then there will be so many angry countries not talking to each other.

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SANTA BANTA IN EGYPT

Santa and Banta fly to Egypt to visit the Pyramids.

They are looking at an Egyptian mummy.

Santa: Look, it has so many bandages!

Banta: Must have been a pukka road accident.

Santa:  You are right because the lorry number is also written…BC 3000!

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SMART GUJJU

A Gujarati businessman in America Mr H.K. Patel is racing his Mercedes car to the airport to catch a flight to London.

But there is a big traffic jam before the airport parking lot and it will take hours to clear. The Gujju businessman is worried that he will miss his flight.

So he does some quick thinking and turns his car back to drive to a nearby bank.  He goes to the bank counter and tells the bank manager that he needs a $3,000 loan as he doesn’t have much cash on him.

The bank manager checks his credit rating and okays the amount. But he wants some guarantee for the loan.

The Gujju says he has car which the bank can keep till he gives back the loan.

The bank manager orders his staff  to take possession of Patel’s Mercedes and park it in the bank’s underground lot.

The Gujju takes the loan, runs to the airport and catches his flight that he would have missed because of the parking lot traffic jam.

A week days later, Patel returns, gives back the bank’s money with a $40 interest, and takes his Mercedes back.

The bank manager says, “So nice of you to have returned the money so quickly.”

The Gujju says, “Who would have allowed me to park my car for $40 for a week at the airport?”

And Mr Patel drives away.

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NICE COUPLE, EH!

Here is an idea for  people who are making IQ jokes about Rahul Gandhi and Alia Bhatt.

The idea: Inn dono ki shaadi karaa do.

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BLONDE ON THE PHONE

Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

A: Because she can’t find the number eleven on the phone.

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SANTA SINGH IN CANADA

Santa Singh lands in Canada. He gets the invitation for interview for a job.

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Santa Singh: India.
Interviewer: Which part?
Santa Singh: What ‘which part’? Whole body was born in India.

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FIRST 3 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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HUSBAND vs DOG

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you!

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ATHEIST BOYFRIEND

A young lady came home from a date, looking rather sad.

She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”

“So, why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

The daughter said, “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

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HUSBAND’S TROUBLES

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.”

“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

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SANTA SINGH MARRIED!

Santa Singh goes to New York and visits a bar.

The man on Santa’s right orders a drink, ‘Johnnie Walker, single.’

The man on Santa’s left says, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’

Santa orders, ‘Santa Singh, married.’

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WORK EXPERIENCE

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?

Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

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INDIAN, PAKISTANI & A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

A Pakistani guy, an Indian guy, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes though a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.

The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani guy is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking that the Pakistani guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.

The Pakistani guy is thinking: “Damn it, that Indian guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead.”

The beautiful girl is thinking: “That Pakistani guy must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped.”

The Indian is thinking: “If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani guy again.”

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BLONDE’S TIME SENSE

A blonde asked a man what time it was. He said: `It’s 4:45.’
The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face, replied, “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.’’

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WOMEN vs PHONES

Women are like telephones.

They love to be held.

They love to be talked to.

But, if you press the wrong button, you’re disconnected.

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INDIAN ANCESTRY

BJP MP Sadhvi Prachi has set off frantic search for the Indian ancestry of all world leaders by telling us that Russian president Vladmir Putin is a Hindu and his real name is Vaarahmihir Putr Singh. This quick search has yielded that the leaders of all the major countries actually have Indian ancestry. Here are their real Indian names:

Vladimir Putin – Vaarahmihir Putr Singh

Barack Obama – Balkar Om-Rama

Stephen Harper – Satveer Haripur

Angela Merkel – Anu-Leela Meharkala

David Cameron – Dravid Kumaran

Xi Jinping – Shingari Singh

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BLONDE’S PROBLEM

A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital.

The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”

The blonde says, “That’s sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help.”

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AAM AURAT

Santa: You know, our new neighbour woman belongs to Aam Aadmi.

Banta: How do you know?

Santa: Today morning I waved at her and she showed me a “Jhaadu”..

———————–

THREE WOMEN

Three women were trapped on an island. They needed to get across the water to the mainland. They came across a genie who said, “I will grant you ladies three wishes.” The first woman said, “Turn me into a fish” and she swam across the water to the other island. The second woman said, “Give me a boat” and she rowed to the other side. The third woman said, “Turn me into a man” and she walked across the bridge.

————————–

HUSBAND vs WIFE

Wife: “How would you describe me?”

Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

Wife: “What does that mean?”

Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

————————

SANTABANTA JOKE

Santa wants to buy a computer to reduce his workload. He goes to a Best Buy store, and impressed by one computer he asks  his salesman friend Banta about its specifications.

Banta: This computer will
 cut your workload by 50%.

Santa: OK, that is great. 
I will take two of them.

—————————-

WIFE VS HUSBAND

After their long New Year party, a husband and his wife are having a fight over a domestic issue.

Wife shouts “You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.”

Husband retorts: “You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.”

———————————-

SANTA VS SHOPKEEPER

Santa buys a new radio set from a shop. But next day he returns to the shop and says to the shopkeeper angrily: “You have cheated me.’’

Shopkeeper: “How come? I sold you a brand-new radio. What is the problem?’’

Santa: “The radio label shows this is Made in Japan but the radio says this is All India Radio.’’

—————————————-

SLEEPING WITH TROUBLE!

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination but found

absolutely nothing physically wrong with him.

The doctor told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your

insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.”

The man replied, “I know, but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

———————————————

FEMALE BRAIN vs MALE BRAIN

A patient needed brain transplant. Since it was going to be a costly affair, a relative of the patient asked the doctor about the price of the new brain.

The doctor said, “A female brain will cost $50,000 and a male brain will cost $100,000.”

The relatives of the patient was a little shocked, and he asked the doctor why there was a huge difference in price.

The doctor said, “The female brain is cheaper because it has been over used.’’

——————————-

COUPLES VS BOXERS

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?

Simple, it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

———————-

WHAT’S OXFORD?

Teacher is asking questions from students in a class.
He asks Santa: `What’s Ford?’
Santa Singh: Car.
Teacher: What’s Oxford?
Santa Singh: So simple, a car driven by ox!

——————————

WIFE  vs COCKROACH

एक आदमी कॉकरोच को मार रहा था।

मरने से पहले कॉकरोच ने आदमी से आखिरी बार बोला: ‘मार दे मुझे..!
डरपोक कहीं के.!
तू मुझसे इसलिए चिढ़ता है…
क्योंकि तेरी बीवी मुझसे डरती है
और तुझसे नहीं!

——————————

MANMOHAN vs MODI

बीवियाँ मनमोहन सिंह बना देती है.
वरना पैदा तो सभी मोदी ही होते है ..

———————–

WEDDING RING

At the cocktail party, two women were busy gossiping.

Suddenly, one of them saw that the other woman was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger.

Surprised, she asked her: “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The other woman replied, “Yes I am, because I married the wrong man.”

————————————

SONIA & RAHUL GANDHI

सोनिया गाँधी उस बक्त फूट फूट कर रोने लगी ,,,

जब राहुल गाँधी ने पुछा–जो राकेट इसरो ने मंगल पे छोड़ा है …अब उसकी बोतल किसके पास है ?

———————

SUICIDE BOOK

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

———————————-

SANTA SINGH’S LUNCH

Once Santa Singh called Banta Singh for a hearty lunch.

Banta Singh arrived promptly on time and was surprised to see the door locked.

Then he saw a note which said,”Kaise ullu banaya (Look, how I made fool of you)!”

Banta Singh was terribly furious, therefore thinking himself to be smart stuck a note saying, ”Main to aya hi nahein (I didn’t show up here at all).”

——————————-

AMERICAN WIFE

An American and his wife are celebrating the golden jubilee of their marriage. They have 10 children and 20 grandchildren.
When a friend asked them the secret of their successful marriage when more than 50 percent marriages in America end in divorce, the wife said, “Our pre-nup agreement was that the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

——————————————

PLIGHT OF INDIAN HUSBAND

भारतीय पति की हालत बिल्कुल कॉमेडी नाइट्स विद कपिल के दर्शको के जैसी होती है—–
.
. सवाल पूछने पर बेईज्ज़ती होती है.
.
.-और फिर मुस्कारना भी पड़ता है .

———————-

NO IDEA SIR JI!

Aishwarya’s daughter Araddhya goes to play school. The teacher asks her: Who is your grandfather?

Araddhya: Big B.

Teacher: Who is your mother?
Araddhya: Miss World.
Teacher: Who is your father?
Araddhya: No Idea sir ji.

 

———————–

WEDDING RING

Soon after his marriage, a woman’s husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

The wife asked him, “Why have you stopped wearing your wedding ring?”

The husband replied, “It is painful and chokes my circulation.”

The wife shouted back, “It’s supposed to!”

—————————————

WIFE’S SENSE OF HUMOUR

Getting cozy with her husband, the wife asked him, “What do you like most about me, honey? My pretty face or my sexy figure?”

The husband looked at her from head to toe and said, “I like your sense of humour!”

———————

SANTA’S WIFE

Santa says to Banta: My wife and I make a wonderful couple. My wife is madly in love with me. I kiss her everyday before leaving for office. What about you?

Banta replies: Me too, after you leave for office.

———————-

GIRL & SWAMI

Girl : Swami ji .. mujhe future dekhna sikha do, please!
Swami : Aankhein bandd karo…
Girl : Nahi, nahi.. aap mujhe kiss karoge…
Swami : Le dikha diya na future aap ko!

———————————–

TROUBLE IN MARRIAGE

Sensing trouble in his married life, a husband went to a marriage counselor and said, “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years, it’s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

The counselor replied, “So, why are you complaining ? You’re still getting the same service.”

——————————————

BLONDE WOMAN AS DRIVER

There was a blonde woman driving down the center of the road at the tearing speed of 100 mph.
A police officer pulled her over and asked, “License and Registration, please.”
The blonde said coolly, “It’s okay, Officer, I have a special license to drive at a tearing speed of 100mph.”
The police officer said, “No, no, that’s impossible! I’ve never heard of such a license.”
The blonde pulled her license from her bag and handed it to him.
The police officer said, “This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you to drive at such a tearing speed of 100 mph.’’
The blonde pointed to the bottom of the license and said, “Can you see this? It reads: `Tear Along The Dotted Line’.’’

—————————

CHICKEN OR EGG?

Who came first – the chicken or the egg?

Santa and Banta found answer to this 
most difficult question which no one has ever answered.

Santa to Banta: What comes first the chicken or the egg ?

Banta to Santa: O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega !

—————————–

DOCTOR vs PATIENT

Doctor- Aapki bimari ki exact wajah meri samajh me nahi aa rahi. Ho sakta hai daaru peene ki wajah se aisa ho raha ho..!!

Patient- Koi baat nahi Dr Saahab, jab aapki utar jaayegi to main dobara aa jaaunga check up ke liye

—————————————-

POLITICIANS VS DIAPERS

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. 
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘Thank You’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a grocer comes in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.
The grocer was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘Thank You’ card and a bag of fresh vegetables waiting for him at his door.
Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.
The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, 
there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
LESSON: POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

—————————————

SANTA SINGH’S DIVORCE

Santa Singh, who had three children, wanted to divorce his wife.

So he went to the court to file for divorce.

Judge: Santa Singh, you have 3 kids.
How will you and your wife divide them?

Santa Singh thought hard and then told the judge: “Oye.. good idea, We’ll come next year with 1 more.”

—————————————————-

EXCITED WIFE & CRUMPLED BILLS

With a very seductive voice, the wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her & smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill & started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused & excited, …..

“Check the garage.”

————————

BLACK BRA

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 5+ years.We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend shared her experience like this:  The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you..’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I, a married woman, had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me, he said: ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

——————————–

ENGLISH IN PUNJAB

Question: Which state in India has the highest English-speaking population?

The answer is below:

Before 8 pm – Kerala
After 8 pm -  Punjab

——————————

HINDU GODS’ ROLE IN IT WORLD!

Here is the role of various Hindu gods in the IT world.

Brahma: “System installer”

Vishnu: “System operator”

Shiva: “System programmer”

Narad: “Data Transmitter”

Yama: “Deleter”

Apsara & Rambha: “Virus”

Ganapati: “Anti virus”

Hanuman: “E-Mail”

Chitragupta: “Hard Disc”

Saraswati: “Google”

Parvati: “Mother Board”

Lakshmi: “ATM”

—————————————-

GOOD NEWS FOR HUSBAND

After massive demands from all husbands……….

A new app called ‘Panic’ is being launched for smart phones.

You just say ‘Wife’ and it closes all websites, hides all chats, hide all special folders and puts your wife’s photograph as a wallpaper.

———————————-

 शेर की शादी

एक बार जंगल में शेर की शादी हो रही थी।
सभी जानवर शादी में इन्वाइटेड थे।
सभी जाकर शेर को विश कर रहे थे, लेकिन स्टेज के नीचे खड़े रहकर दूर से ही।
थोड़ी देर बाद चूहा आया और स्टेज पर चढ़कर शेर से हाथ मिलाकर उसे विश करने लगा…
शेर दहाड़ते हुए चूहे से बोला: तुम्हारी हिम्मत कैसे हुई मुझे स्टेज पर आकर विश करने की? सब मुझसे डरते हैं! यहां तक कि चीते ने भी मुझे स्टेज के नीचे खड़े रहकर ही विश किया। तुम स्टेज पर कैसे आ गए??
चूहा: ओ बस कर यार, शादी से पहले मैं भी शेर ही था!

———————————-

IDK, WHAT?

Blonde: `What does IDK stand for?
Brunette: `I don’t know.’
Blonde: `OMG, nobody knows.’

————————–

————————————

VIRGIN LADY

An 85-year-old virgin lady while dying wanted these words written on her grave:

“Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin.”

The sculptor shortened it to:

————————————

WIFE’S HEARING PROBLEM

Rakesh was worried that his wife was having a hearing problem and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,”
said the doctor,
”stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
 If not, go to 30 feet,
 then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response from her.”

That evening,
 his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner,
 and Rakesh thought of testing the same. 
He says to himself,
 “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.?”

Then in a normal tone he asks,
”Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response….

So he moves closer to the kitchen,
 about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
”Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still No response…

Next he moves to the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
”Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response…

So, he walks up to the kitchen door,
 about 10 feet away from her, and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response….

So he walks right up behind her and asks,
”Honey, what’s for dinner?”

And wife shouts: “For God’s sake Rakesh,
 its the FIFTH time I am telling you, 
it’s ‘AALOO PARATHA’.!”

—————————–

LALU’S REPLY

Teacher is in the middle of testing whether his students have done their home work.

He calls Lalu and asks him to complete this sentence: 
”Early to bed and early to rise…”

Lalu: “This man has no interest in his wife.”

——————————-

ACHHE DIN AANE WAALE HAIN

A joke on Twitter about the summit of leaders of BRICS (Brazil, Russia, India, China, South Africa):

Reporter: How has BRICS progressed?
Putin: асххе дин айне шале найн
Reporter: What?
Translator: Achhe din aane waale hain

————————-

HUSBAND’S CELLPHONE

Wife: Give me your cellphone for a second.

Husband: Wait, let me switch it on.
Delete video.
Delete picture.
Delete music.
Delete private folder.
Delete number.
Delete sms.
Delete out goin calls.
Delete incomin calls.
Delete mms.
Delete what’s app.
Delete bbm.
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
FORMAT Memory Card.

————————–

INDIAN LADIES AT NIAGARA FALLS

Guide: I welcome you all to
Niagara Falls.
These are the world’s largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity
of the waterfall is so high, even
20 supersonic planes passing by
can’t be heard.
Now I request
the indian ladies to keep quiet
so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls!!

—————————-

BLONDE & HER iPAD

A blonde buys an iPad and takes it home. Next day, she tells her brunette friend about her purchase.

The brunette asks the blonde: Do you like the iPad?
Blonde: Yes, but I can’t use it.
Brunette: Why not?
Blonde: I couldn’t find the buttons.

——————————

LIAR!

एक आदमी झूठ बोलने की वजह से
काफी मशहूर हो गया ..
एक दिन वह किसी दूसरे शहर मे चला गया …

एक अस्सी साल की बूढ़ी औरत को
पता चल गया तो डरती हुई आयी
और बोली :- बेटा तुम ही दुनिया के सबसे झूठे व्याक्ति हो ना …..
.
आदमी बोला :- लोगो की बात को
दफा करो , …..
.
.
मै तो आपको देखकर हैरान रह गया
कि इस उम्र मे
ये हुस्न
ये रंग
और ये दिलकशी…
.
बूढी औरत :- (शरमाती हुई )
या अल्लाह ! लोग भी कितने जालिम है !
अच्छे भले सच्चे इन्सान को
झूठा कहते है ….!!

————————–

ON VENTILATOR

स्वर्ग के दरवाजे पर दस्तक हुई तो धर्मराज ने जाकर दरवाजा खोला । उन्होंने बाहर झाँका तो एक मानव को सामने खड़ा पाया । धर्मराज ने कुछ बोलने के लिए मुंह खोला ही था की वो एकाएक गायब हो गया । धर्मराज ने कंधे उचकाए और फाटक बंद कर लिया ।
तकाल फिर दस्तक हुई ।
उन्होंने फिर दरवाजा खोला, उसी मानव को फिर सामने मौजूद पाया, लेकिन वो फिर गायब हो गया।
ऐसा तीन चार बार हुआ तो धर्मराज धीरज खो बैठे
वो बोले – क्या बात है भाई, पंगा ले रहा है ?
मानव बोला – अरे नहीं बॉस, दरअसल मैं वेंटीलेटर पर हूँ …..

—————————

SANTA SINGH’S H2O

Santa Singh’s class teacher was testing their knowledge of chemistry.

The teacher asked him to get up and explain the formula of water.

Santa Singh said: HIJKLMNO

The teacher shouted: `You are wrong!’

Santa Singh replied: `But, sir, you told me it’s H2O!’

———————-

FATHER-IN-LAW’S SURGERY

An old man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, should perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, the old man asked to speak to his son-in-law.

“Yes, dad, what is it?” asked the son-in-law.

The old man replied, “Don’t be nervous; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well if something happens to me, your mother-in-law is going to come and live with you.”

The surgery was a great success.

——————–

EX-GIRLFRIEND’S WEDDING CARD

Ex-girlfriend ki shaadi ka card mila.

Thodi takleef to hui.  Phir socha jayenge zaroor.

——————–

AAP KI SARKAR

Narendra Modi and Arvind Kejriwal bump into each other in Varanasi after the hectic poll campaign.

Modi asks Kejriwal: `Is baar sarkar kis ki ban rahi hai?’

Kejriwal replies: `Aap ki, sir.’

Modi responds: `Thank you.’

——————–

SARDARJI Vs PANDITJI

A Sardarji doctor and a Panditji were in love with the same girl.

Panditji started giving an apple to the girl everyday.

Sardarji doctor got angry and asked Panditji why he was giving apple to the girl everyday.

Panditji said: “An apple a day keeps the doctor away!’’

——————–

WHAT AN ASS!

Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall.

It read “Padne waala gadha.”(one who reads it is an ass).

Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,”Likhne waala gadha.”(One who wrote it is an ass).

———————

AIR INDIA HOSPITALITY

Below is the sign outside an AIR INDIA plane:

`Welcome aboard to our Warm & Motherly hospitality.’

Warm because AC is not working and motherly because all air hostess are above 50!

———————–

GAJAR FOR ALL SEASONS

Ladki: Mujhe koi aisi sabzi do jiske 7 faayde hon !

Sabzi wala: Ye Lo madam Gajar !!

1: Pasand aaye to Aloo Matar ke saath paka lena… 
Warna ..

2: Juice bana ke pe sakti ho… 
Nahi to ..

3: Salad bana sakti ho… 
Ye bhi na karo to ..

4: Gajrela bana lena…
Nahi to ..

5: Chinese noodles mein daal lena…
Aisa bhi nahi to phir ..

6: Murabba bana sakte ho…
Ye bhi na ho to ..

7: Achaar bana lena !!

———————–

ZEENAT AMAN

Which is the biggest lie ever 
said in a Hindi film?

Zeenat Aman in a bikini 
singing and asking: `Kya Dekhte Ho?’

And Feroz Khan replying: “Surat Tumhari”…

——————————

SIDE EFFECT

A husband got a taawiz (charm) from BABA to control his wife.

After one month, the husband went back to the Baba.

He said, “BABA, wife par toh koi asar nahi huva, par padosan vash me aa gayi.”

BABA: “Chalo, effect na sahi, side effect toh hua.”

——————————————————–

WIVES vs GIRLFRIENDS

Wives are like TV and girlfriends are like mobile.

With mobile, you can have two-way communication, but with TV there is only one-way talk.

TV is heavy, bulky and stays home for long time. Mobile is small, cute and can be changed any time you wish, but you can’t get rid of TV quickly.

TV costs are low, but mobiles are a high-maintenance thing.

TV is free and around all the time, but mobile is out the moment you don’t pay costs.

You may get bored by watching TV for some time, but you can fiddle with mobile all the time.

TV you can watch only at home, but mobile you can take anywhere you want.

————————–

DESPERATE COUPLE

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

The priest replied, “I’m going on a sabbatical to Rome, and while I’m there, I’ll light a candle for you.”

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple’s house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins.

Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

“He’s gone to Rome, to blow that candle out,” replied the harried wife.

————————

BETTY SUE, WHO?

A guy was reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and smacked him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asked, “What was that for?”

She said, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ‘Betty Sue’ written on it.”

He said, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ‘Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

The wife shrugged and walked away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walked up behind him and smacked him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asked, “What was that for?”

She answered, “Your horse called.”

——————-

AH, SHIT!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were atop a 5-storey building when a genie appeared and told them to run to the edge, jump off and name anything they want.

The brunette ran, jumped off and said butterfly.

The redhead ran, jumped off and said eagle.

The blonde ran, tripped over the edge and  said “ah shit!”

——————-

BLONDE’S IQ

“Can you check if my rear blinker works?” a brunette asked her blonde friend.

`Sure,” responded the blonde, heading to the back of the car.

“Ok,” said the brunette pushing the switch, “is it working?”

The blonde replied, “Yes, no, yes, no…”

——————————

BLONDE vs BRUNETTE

A blonde and a brunette both jump off a cliff at the same time.

Which one will hit the bottom first? Any guesses?

The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.

———————–

BRAVE NO MORE

Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told him, “Dear, there seems to be a burglar in the house. Wake up.”

But her husband refused to go out and investigate.

Wife: “Why are you scared? I thought you were brave when you married me”

Husband: “Well yes, but that was before the marriage.”

—————————

B SIDE OF THE SONG

Santa and Banta were sitting on a tree and Santa was singing a song.

After 4 songs Santa hung himself upside down and started singing again.

Banta asked, “Santa, what is the matter with you?Why are you hanging upside down.
’

Santa replied, “I am singing the B side.”

—————————–

FORMER GIRLFRIEND

A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion.

The husband kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

The wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” the husband sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” said the wife, “who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And a fight began between the husband and the wife….

————————————-

SANTA & BANTA IN MUMBAI

Santa and Banta went to Mumbai and boarded a double-decker bus.

Because of the rush, Santa somehow managed to get a bottom seat, while Banta got pushed to the top.

After a while when the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to see Banta. He saw Banta looking scared and clutching the seats in front with both hands.

“Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there,” Santa said.

Banta replied, “You’ve a driver down there, but what about here?’’

——————————–

BLONDE ON THE PLANE

A blonde gets on an plane and sits down in business class. The air hostess rushes over to her and tells her that she must move to economy class because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.

But the blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in business class until we reach Jamaica.”

The disgusted air hostess gets the head air hostess who asks the blonde to leave.

But the blonde again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in business class until we reach Jamaica.”

The head air hostess doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the air hostess gets the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head air hostess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The co-pilot replies, “I told her that the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

——————————–

BANTA SINGH IN COURT

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.

The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.

“They should not put up such misleading notices, “said Banta Singh.

This notice said, “FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

———————-

BLONDE DRIVER

What is the first thing a blonde does after a bad car accident?

Turn off the ignition?

NO

Get away from the car in case it explodes?

NO

Call Police, Fire or ambulance on her phone?

NO

Call her insurance broker?

NO

So what is the first thing a blonde does after a bad car accident?
Brush her hair!

 

———————–

WRONG NUMBER

Mrs Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour.

One day she hung up after 25 minutes.

“What is the matter today? Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone,” asked Banta Singh.

Mrs. Banta Singh replied, “Today, I got a wrong number.”

—————————

HOW TO GET A RAISE

Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to  respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way,” asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

Sam replied, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”

————————-

WIFE AT THE BAR

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.

Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.

“So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.

“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”

“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”

Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”

“See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“

———————————–

SANTA SINGH’S PASSWORD

Santa was taking money from the ATM.

His friend Banta said: I saw your password, ha ha.

Santa: What is it?

Banta: It is four asteriks (****)

Santa: Ha ha, you are wrong. It is 9425.

————————–

SANTA SINGH’S RACE

Santa Singh wanted to lose weight desperately and so he consulted a doctor.

The doctor told him that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos.

Santa followed the doctors advice and at the end of 300 days, he called the doctor to report that he had actually lost the weight, but had a problem.

What’s the problem? asked the doctor.

Santa Singh said: 
I am 2,400 kilometers away from home.

——————————-

BLONDE WIFE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.

The husband said, “Who was that?”

The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

---

 

———————————

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

To all my friends who are committed: Happy Valentine`s Day!

And To all my friends who are single: Happy Independence Day!

————————

HUSBAND vs WIFE

Trying to prove that women talk more than men, a husband showed his wife a study
which indicated that men use, on the
average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas
women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then
told her husband that women use twice as
many words as men because they have to
repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, the husband said, “What?”

——————————

INTELLIGENT BLONDE

A blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of “yes/no” type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the questions for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, “Yes” for Heads and “No” for Tails. Within half-an-hour she is all done where as the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and says, “What is going on?”

“I finished the exam in half-an-hour. But I’m rechecking my answers.”

————————

`MOTHER OF SIX’

A man has six children and he is very proud of them.

He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife `Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to party. The decides that it’s time to go home and he wants to find out if his wife is also ready to leave.

He shouts at the top of his wife, saying, “Shall we go home `Mother of Six’?

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back angrily, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.’’

———————————-

SANTA SINGH IN LIBRARY

Santa Singh goes to the library.

He opens the book and then bangs it down, saying, “Too boring, too many characters and no story.’’

LIBRARIAN says : “Oh, oh! Are you the one who took the phone directory away?
—————————

NEW GIRLFRIEND

My new girlfriend is much better than my ex.
How?

She’s much better than my ex at role-playing.

—————————-

ATHEISM

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

——————————

WHAT PROBLEM?

Santa Singh goes to doctor  and says, “Doctor, I have a problem.”

Doctor asks him, “What’s your problem?”

Santa Singh says, “I keep forgetting things.”

Doctor : “Since when do you have this problem?”

Santa Singh: “What problem?”

——————————-

WISE BLONDE

Three girls got stranded on an island. One was brunette, one black and the third one a blonde.
After three weeks of starvation, God came down to them  and said, `I will grant you one wish each. Use wisely.’

The brunette said, `I want to go home,’ and poof she was transported home.
The black said, `I want to go home,’ and poof she transported him home.
The blonde said, `I want my friends back.’

——————————-

NICE IN-LAWS

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

——————————–

ANGEL MOTHER-IN-LAW

Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, “My mother-in-law is an angel.”

His friend replies, “You’re lucky. Mine is still alive.”

—————————–

MADE IN CHINA

I was walking down The Mall with a friend when he turned to me and said, “Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country.”

“But Chan, you’re Chinese”, I replied. “All those flags are British”.

“No they’re not”, Chan laughed. “Just take a look closely at the labels.”

—————————–

BEYONCE

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyoncé.

—————————–

SANTA SINGH IN SHOP

Santa Singh started shouting in a store……
Where is my free gift with this cooking oil?

Shopkeeper : There is nothing free with this.
Santa Singh: It says CHOLESTEROL FREE.

—————————

IN-LAWS & OUTLAWS

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are Wanted.

————————–

MARRIAGE

Marriage is a relationship were one person is always right…………and the other is the husband.

 

————————

NO CASH, NO JOBS

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!
———————————

COMPLIMENT

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.

The friend asked what was the compliment.

The blonde said: There was a note left on my windshield that said “parking fine”.
———————————

HAPPY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

 

———————————

MARRIAGE

 

——————————————–

TWO SEASONS OF CANADA

Q: What are the two seasons in Canada?

A: Winter and July!

——————

HONEYMOON

To celebrate their silver anniversary, a couple went to Niagara Falls and asked a motel clerk for a room.

“We only have the honeymoon suite available,” the motel clerk told them.

“My wife and I’ve been married 25 year,” the man said. “We don’t need the honeymoon suite.”

“Look, buddy,” replied the clerk. “I might rent you Yankee Stadium, but you don’t have to play baseball in it!”

 

—————

Q. Why is the letter “G” scary?
A. It turns a host into a ghost

——————

SARDARJI

Sardarji to his friend: Guess how many coins I have in my pocket?
Friend: If I guess right, will you give me one?
Sardarji: Oji, I will give you both of them.

——————–

AFGHAN WIVES

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front.

The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

“No”, the man replied. “Land-mines.”

—————

BOYFRIEND

Mother to daughter: “What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?”

Daughter: “Of course he is, Mom. He’s thrifty, doesn’t drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.”

—————-

SARDARJI vs AMERICAN

A Sardarji, a Muslim, a Hindu Panditji and an American were flying. Suddenly the plane’s engine goes bad. So everybody is advised to jump.

But they realise that there are no parachutes on the plane.

Sardarji being a little bold says, “Saala marna tey haiga, why not try something”. He unties his turban and holds the ends, making it like a parachute, and jumps out. Luckily, the idea works and he floats down like on a parachute.

Seeing this, Hindu Pandit also opens his dhoti and does the same, he also starts floating.

Now Muslim also removes his kurta and does the same and he too starts floating.

Now comes American’s turn. Poor chap is wearing torn Bermudas and a tattered T-shirt. Anyway he also removes them, ties everything up and jumps. But it does not hold and he starts falling very quickly. On the way to the ground he passes the Muslim, who says, “Allah tumhari khair kare”. Another 1000 feet and he passes the Panditji. Panditji says, “Bhagwan tumhari raksha kare”. Falling rapidly, he quickly passes the Sardarji. Sardarji says, “Achha aey gul heh.….race lagani haigi, le phir“……… and leaves the turban.

———————————

BLONDE’S INTERVIEW

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her a few questions.

Officer: What is 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!

Officer: What is the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm… 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, but I am already working on a murder case!”

—————

REGRETS!

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

”What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know…I would have gotten out today.”

—-

SUE

Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue.